Personal Experiments

As I set out to read Gandhi's autobiography, subtitled “The Story of My Experiments With Truth,” I find myself asking many questions. What does it mean to be a person of faith? What does it mean to be a member of the global community? How does that relate to family relationships and local communities? What does it mean to be a man, a human? What does it mean to be queer? How does one practice non-violence in daily life? Is non-violence the solution? Is it a path? What would Jesus do? What does justice look like? How does one foster truth and create justice.

Gandhi viewed his life as a series of experiments. Experiments with nonviolence, with diet, with celibacy. Experiments in creating personal change and spreading social change. This idea of experimentation resonates with me. Conversations I had over many months led me to understand the impact of diet, demand, and food processing on not only the environment but on the economy and ability to deal with poverty. I was not an overnight convert. As I strive to maintain a vegetarian diet, I find myself not living up to that ideal. “Stumbling”, “slipping”, “falling” are Christianese words I might have used in the past.

Is perfection possible? Perhaps the lens I should look through is not purity. Let's be honest, one person's vegetarian diet is not going to end the abuse of creation nor solve global hunger. When I understand my pursuit to be one of many experiments, the weight is lifted a bit. I have some breathing room.

In April, I made the decision to work toward a vegan diet. Having been a vegetarian for almost a year, it was not hard to begin removing the remaining animal products from my diet. Life happened. A series of stresses, increasing time away from my apartment and ability to cook for myself, lots of travel. I cracked. A pretty gross “chicken” sandwich at Roy Rogers was my undoing. There are so many problems in the world: US wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, violence across the global, a food crisis, global hunger, rising gas prices, domestic party, the second-rate treatment of LGBT people. And a chicken sandwich the only option unless I want to skip dinner or subsist on french fries. Great.

A chicken sandwich is not the end of the world. Yes, there are many problems inherent in the meat industry. But at that moment, I was juggling too many other experiments. Experiments in social justice for LGBT people and a reawakening that I—as a privileged member of Western society—have much to account for when it comes to my, perhaps indirect, subjugation of the world to my desires.

The seas have settled. I have centered myself and my advocacy around queer issues in New York City. I am educating myself around poverty, hunger, and homelessness issues. I'm preparing for studies and service. With those experiments in balance, I can return to my experiment with a vegetarian diet. Why adopt such a diet? What are the benefits? And more importantly, what are the costs? Are there unintended consequences? How do I balance a desire to reject violence and excess with the risk of indulging in what CS Lewis describes as a new kind of gluttony... a gluttony of “moderation” made to order through imposition?

I don't know. Perhaps a vegetarian diet isn't the answer. Perhaps non-violence is untenable. Perhaps the critics are correct and religion is not a force for good in the world. Perhaps.

In experimentation I have the freedom to be unsure. To test, to observe, to analyze and to adjust.

In what ways have you experimented?

Do I Believe?

The calling toward seminary or divinity school has been on my heart for a year now. I am settling into New York City, my family is a short trip away, I'm getting involved with social justice and LGBT activism in the city, Marble Collegiate Church has quickly become a home-away-from-home for me, work is exciting, and life is good.

"Life would be great if I didn't know any better," I often tell friends. But I do know better. I know that our global community is in the middle of a food crisis, I know that war is tearing up countries in the Middle East and Africa, I know that politics have been polarizing and divisive in the supposedly United States, and I know that a generation is aching for something deeper. I love my job, I think that I may have the best first job imaginable, though I am obviously biased. But I'm not quite sure how long I can stay put.


Blaine Hogan created a video showcasing Mars Hill Grad School and it captures in words, songs, and images my thought process as I weigh my future. Thanks to Stef, a YoungLife leader from my high school for the tip.


"what if..." an mhgs short film from difted on Vimeo.

Am I ready?

Marking History

When the California Supreme Court decision on marriage equality for gays and lesbians is remembered forty years from now, I hope that we remember the people and not just the policies. I hope that we remember my friend Diane Grey-Reed and her wife, who were married in a religious ceremony only months before and who rushed to the courthouse to legalize their nuptials. I hope we will remember the couples already signing up for ceremonies at my former church, La Verne Church of the Brethren. I hope we remember the brave San Francisco couples who boldly started this journey four years ago.

I am excited about couples we don't even know of yet. I am excited for the conversations between partners sparked on Thursday, "Is it time for us now?" I am encouraged by the young people who will find support and courage to share their stories and raise their voices. The relationships that will from the very first date hold open the option of marriage.

Unlike Massachusetts, California allows all couples to marry in the state which means when that person and that time comes, I have a pastor and a church in Los Angeles already waiting for me to come back. And that feeling is indescribable.

Congratulations California!

I have been tempted to rush a blog post off about California's recent decision. I've already seen 6 scroll past on my Google Reader and I've received (literally) 17 IMs about the case. I won't even bother linking to coverage because by now, only 3.5 hours later, you've probably read most of it. I'm going to give myself some time to digest the significance of what was just accomplished. And since I'm flying to Los Angeles tonight, I'm going to revel in the moment a bit before I put it all out in writing.

I will say though that I have been filled with overriding sense of happiness. My Facebook News Feed is now almost completely full of status changes about the decision. As I talk to friends, I hear that they too have been receiving happy IMs about it. The country is a buzz, justice is contagious.

Cheers!

Uncomfortable Anxiousness

With the California Supreme Court decision for marriage equality less than an hour away, I am uncomfortably anxious. In the past weeks, I have responded that I am "cautiously optimistic" when asked my thoughts on the case. Soon, I will be either excited or disappointed.

Having spent four years in California, I feel invested in this decision. As with the Maryland court case, I am reminded of the interesting position I find myself. Men and women I do not know will determine the validity of my relationships. Ability to form long-term relationships, affect on children, influence on the political climate ... very personal parts of my life are up for public debate.

It is uncomfortable for me and in that uncomfortable place I find strength. It is uncomfortable for the "Arab looking" man who is always stopped at airport security. It is uncomfortable for the black youth getting suspicious glances from subway patrons. It is uncomfortable for the female presidential candidate who is called a conniving bitch while all the men are bold and determined leaders.

And so today, I will not let this decision define me. If it is positive, I will celebrate and if it is negative, I will take a moment to grieve. But always I will continue striving for a world in which justice rolls down like water.

"How do I feel about the gays?"

At the Middle Church street fair, she spoke to the lady next to me who was passing out information about a theatre company. Their conversation was casual and ordinary. As she walked over to me, she surveyed the materials on the table, information about Soulforce NYC and various publications from national. Then she looked up at me,

"How do I feel about the gays?"

She asked as if it mattered, that her assessment of my humanity would mean something.

"I like you all."

It sounded a bit off, I wondered if she might have a mental or emotional disability which effected her interactions. But still, I heard it as if I should be grateful for approval. But that is not what she was saying.

"I used to be homeless. When I was pregnant and living on the street, three gay guys came up to me one day and said "You are coming with us." They picked me up and took me with them. "You need to be eating for two now," and they took care of me until I gave birth.

She grabbed my hand to shake and pulled me in to kiss my cheek. "Gay people took care of me when I needed it, there will always be a special place in my heart for you." She collected one of each publication we had on the table. "They didn't forget me and I won't forget you. I'm going to do everything I can for you."

She scribbled her name, number, and address down in case I ever want to talk. And then she hugged me and walked away. I hope I get to see her again.

And to the three gay men who took care of Lucille all those years ago, thank you. By touching her life, you touched mine as well.

Voices Not Heard

Today, hundreds of thousands of students around the country will mark today as a Day of Silence. Gay and transgender people, especially young people, are often intimidated into silence by fear and misunderstanding which perpetuates a culture of homophobia. They are silent about their lives, silent about their relationships, and silent in the face of injustice. It is a silence that does not end at graduation, in many parts of the country gay and transgender people are silent in their workplaces for fear of being fired. An estimated 65,000 members of the armed services are silent, despite—and often because of--the crucial roles many of them play. Even still, the military discharges two gay people every day.

It was silence that taught a 14-year old student in California to execute his gay and gender non-conforming classmate Larry at pointblank during class just this year.

Today young people around the country are silent to draw attention to the voices that are not being heard. As you go through your day, I ask you to consider the voices you are not hearing. Friend, family member, neighbor, co-worker, acquaintance from church, parent from school.

At the end of the day, these young people will break the silence and ask “What are we doing to end the silence?” I pose that question to you. What are you doing to end the silence? 90% of the Fortune 500 companies include sexual orientation in their non-discrimination. ION’s (and by extension qubo’s) non-discrimination policy does not include sexual orientation. What does that silence say about our workplace? In New York, a worker can be fired from her job solely because of her gender identity. What does that silence say about our state? In certain churches and synagogues, gay and transgender are not welcome, what does that silence say about our communities of faith?

The Day of Silence is a powerful display for individuals trapped in silence, for many it empowers them to break their own silence. With families, friendships, and lives on the line, silence is disastrous. Please feel free to come to me if you want to talk about any of these issues and how they might relate to your life and the lives of those around you.

However, there are still places in this country where the conversation is not happening. In October and November, 25 young adults will travel to colleges and universities which discriminate against gay and transgender students; places where breaking the silence could result in expulsion. Recognizing that this conversation is too important not to have, these young adults will go undeterred. I had the privilege of taking that journey last year. Along the way, some schools engaged in dialogue, others refused, but everywhere I saw the healing and transformative power of opening up with one another. You can find more information online at www.equalityride.com and can even donate to this fall’s ride.

I hope you’ll take a moment with me today to listen for the voices we aren’t hearing.

Unaccountable Rulers

The Washington Post reports:

The State Department's annual survey of human rights practices around the world calls Sudan's record "horrific" and notes that countries where power is in the hands of unaccountable rulers are the most systematic violators of human rights standards.

I wonder if that applies to American rulers only Africans...

On Food and Hunger

This Lenten season, I have come to appreciate hunger. I feel it more often and more constantly. It affects my moods and my productivity. I recognize every impulse to grab a snack and realize how lucky I am. It has made me particularly sensitive to the plight of the impoverished, here and abroad, and though I can not shed my privileged status--for I will always have the option of grabbing a snack or charging a quick meal--I can focus some of my energies to enable and empower others.

I have been attempting to maintain vegetarian eating for months now with success for the most part. There is a lot of explaining that comes with the territory. Why would you do that? Humans need to eat meat! That's just a fad. Are you sure you know what you doing, it's easy to get swept up.

There is no need to apologize for not eating meat. To quote a recent New York Times article:

Though some 800 million people on the planet now suffer from hunger or malnutrition, the majority of corn and soy grown in the world feeds cattle, pigs and chickens. This despite the inherent inefficiencies: about two to five times more grain is required to produce the same amount of calories through livestock as through direct grain consumption, according to Rosamond Naylor, an associate professor of economics at Stanford University.

Many vegetarians have thought-out, well-reasoned rationale for making their decisions. And they often have little to do with fad-diets or touchy-feely notions of animal humanity, they have to do with the hard facts of science and the very real consequences of our actions.

Lenten Reflections

Apologies for my protracted absence; though, this is not the first time so I wouldn't be surprised if the 5 people who read this are rolling their eyes thinking "This is old hat!" Lent is a journey that I could not have imagined and I am immensely grateful for it. Marble Collegiate Church makes their Wednesday Worship (WeWo) sermons available via iTunes podcast ... if you have a spare 20 minutes on any given day, check out any one (or all!) of the sermons in the "Jesus Asks..." series.

I have been keeping a journal during Lent and have mulled over whether not post excerpts from it here. I'm still undecided but this morning's entry is still haunting me so I'm going to share it:

Was it not necessary that the Messiah should
suffer these things and then inter into his glory?

--Luke 24:26

Luke 24 tells a surreal story. It gets at the heart of Christianity: regardless of what the Gospels say Jesus did or what his followers did after his death, did Jesus rise from the dead? Did he have a body of flesh and bones in which he could eat fish? And yet, could he prevent people from recognizing him, even as they spoke to him? How would that work?

Eventually, he leads the disciples out for a blessing and is taken up into heaven. Did he levitate, got out in a puff of smoke, or dissolve as though he was in an old-sci flick? Where did he go? And if he indeed had a physical body, what became of it? Is he (and his body) in some physical realm currently? If not, when did his body disappear? Once he was out of sight? When he left the atmosphere? And then...

Does any of that matter? What is the nature of a "gospel"? Is it an account of "factual" history or merely stories and theological statements. If Jesus did not appear in bodily form, what "really" happened and why do the Gospels seem to tell a different story? Does it matter if his body did not walk out of the grave? Where is it now?

Do I follow Jesus because his message resonates with my soul or because I believe he was sent from God and thus want good favor?
What motivates me?
Is it even possible to do (or believe) anything without the grace and ower of God?

Lent is a time of prayer and reflection. Sister Perry was right when she said the answers might be more questions.

I Feel Sick

I've had this post started for weeks now, unable to bring myself to finish it but given another push in the form of NG's highlighting of Ellen's powerful video:



I think the reaction is being felt around the country, maybe around the world: a very real feeling of nausea, that I might actually be ill. And even more frustrating is that I can't determine just why. Is it because somehow, violence still seems like an acceptable course of action in America? Is it because I'm not even surprised? Or is it because I feel absolutely helpless to stop it? That despite dedicating two months to Equality Ride, despite visiting with politicians, despite organizing communities, despite speaking at universities, people are still dying.

I do not understand where the outrage is when pastors say things such as “If ... some [gay or effeminate] guy opened the door for me, I’d rip his arm off and beat him with the wet end.” or why no one is taking crimes against queer people seriously. A young boy was executed in California and it doesn't blip on most of the nation's radar. I don't have much to add that hasn't been said before. I just need to stew.

Value in Tradition

Comfort is rightly taken in community. Traditions can lift us up. Lent in general and Ash Wednesday in particular are extra-Biblical traditions dating back as early as the fourth century. As a child I often bristled, “The Catholic Church just made them up!” Possibly, but after attending my first Ash Wednesday service, I feel blessed by this tradition. As a Protestant church, the Lenten season can be something we observe not out of obligation, but with deliberation. Jesus asks,

But what about you? Who do you say that I am?

And we cry, holy holy holy, is the lamb! Life is difficult, but it is also precious and sacred. New York is a whirlwind of city: meetings, tourists, traffic, shows, events, entertainment; everything moves at a breakneck pace. I've been here five months, almost half a year, and it feels as if I moved in just yesterday. Today, for the first time, I am moving with deliberation, taking in each step, each encounter, each experience with purpose and with thanksgiving. Soup and salad never tasted so good!

For ashes you are and to ashes you will return.

My time in this life is precious, what am I going to do with it?

Comfort in Community

"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say that I am?"

Sister Carol Perry has prepared a Lenten devotional for the church to journey through each morning. It is a compilation of questions that Jesus asks throughout the Gospels. This morning, I focused on this pivotal question from Matthew: What do I think of Jesus?

Comforter, role model, teacher, leader... sacrifice. Yes, all of these things. But was he a Savior? He transformed the lives of those around him. His message of grace and of justice resonates in believers who in very real ways change the world: Advent Conspiracy, BloodWaterMission, the homeless ministry of the church down the street. Savior, indeed.

But what else? Who do I say that he is?

The church community provides friendship and support. It is a place to go and there are always things to do. A faith in God and in Jesus gives an authority to the work of justice: it is not just because I think the way should be such, but rather because God demands it. It is nice to feel connected, needed, belonging. Am I a Christian because it provides a framework for me to operate within? A structure to live within and a community to be a part of? Those are not bad aspects of the Christian community; in fact, they may be some of its strongest assets, but are they enough? Do I believe in the ideals of community, faith, hope, grace, justice... or do I believe in One who laid them down first?

"Who do you say that I am?" Way to hit the ground running, Sister Perry!

Nervous About Lent

I have searched for Your will in all of this. I read, I have studied, I have prayed, I have discussed. It has been a long and difficult process and sometimes I worry that I have not progressed toward a greater understanding but slipped away from one. But everything You've shown me so far is that I must accept my orientation as one part of Your plan for my life. And so that is what I will do. I have asked those around me to approach this with an open heart and an open mind and so I have tried to do the same thing. If you have other plans for me, let me know; I am still listening.

Thus was the prayer I offered during my sophomore year in college at USC. I had only recently come out, after many years of struggling to find what was right. It took years for me to move from a place that saw all gay relationships (if not gay people) as sinful to a place that embraced the diversity of God's creation and recognized the value which gay and trans people have and the blessings that their relationships can bring. But even then, it was not an easy road.

I came out but had only a tentative understanding for what that meant to my life as a Christian. To be honest, I took a break, for all intents and purposes, from faith communities. I had grown up in an Evangelical Presbyterian Church, immersed in YoungLife, and (occasionally) attending Campus Crusade with friends. Being gay didn't fit in any of those places and I wasn't sure where to go.

I realized that Christian faith had played such a formative role in my life that I simply couldn't abandon it and I slowly began to walk back towards it, attempting to piece together everything I thought I knew and believed.

Senior year of college I had been dating Pat, a guy I met through my former roommate Frank, for about six weeks when Chase Edler died in a skateboarding accident. I'd only met Chase once but he was close friends with many of my good friends and the roommate of one of my best friends. It was unexpected and it hit me hard. I could not wait any longer to figure out who God was or to determine my relationship to the Creator. As my (straight) roommate Sean would later put it: "Nice guy, things were going great. But then Brian freaked out."

I ended the relationship and immediately began to question whether I had been living authentically for the past three years. Is this really what God wanted? For awhile, I thought I had made a tragic mistake. I launched back into small group, started going back to church regularly, and made it a habit to study the Word.

This time I was sure: God didn't create in me a capacity to love so that I might deny it.

Equality Ride only cemented my understanding that anti-gay teachings are thoroughly misguided. No matter how dressed up with smiles the teachings may be, they lack a cogent Scriptural basis and wreck havoc upon the lives they reach. Bad fruits if I've ever tasted them. Soulforce reminds us--gay, straight, Christian, atheist, condemning, affirming--that one must not chose one or the other. Interactions save lives and restore faiths.


I have been blessed with Marble Collegiate Church, a beautiful church community, since moving to New York City. I have also been challenged to grow in my faith in greater ways than ever before. Sometimes I can feel the growing pains as my soul stretches. And as Lent approaches, I'm preparing for even more growth. Growing up Protestant, Lent is not a time of year that is often focused on, and this will be my first year observing it. I am excited to set aside the upcoming 40 days and call them holy, to use them to grow in my understanding of my faith, and to appreciate the ultimate sacrifice which Jesus of Nazareth made on our behalf.

And yet, I can't say that I am not nervous. Sometimes, when I go to sleep I wonder if those growing pains are my soul aching to return to a Truth I've been missing. When Lent comes, when my comforts are stripped away, when I am left face to face with God; what will I find? My sophomore year prayer is in my head and in my heart every day. I take it with me wherever I go. I'm still listening, but will I be strong enough to change if I hear something different this time? Will I be confident enough to lay it to rest if the challenge I face is continued advocacy or even greater sacrifice for justice? On this year's Mardi Gras I'm left wondering if I didn't skip out on Lent because it was "too constructed by humans" but rather because it was too inspired by God.

Lent approaches and I am nervous, but I am ready.

Where to begin

For three weeks WeWo focused on the soul. Not surprisingly, suffering was examined at length. “Life is difficult.” That is the opening line of M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled and it is something our pastor Dr. Arthur Caliandro repeats often. Indeed life is difficult. From finding food to eat in remote villages to navigating family relationships in a metropolis, we humans are faced with the difficult task of navigating through life.

What struck me about Pastor Lewicki's sermon was that it focused not on why we suffer or even how to avoid suffering, but rather how to respond to suffering. He painted the picture of a river of suffering that runs through life, everyone eventually comes to it. We can stand on the side and never cross or we can wade and swim and struggle through. It is easy, maybe even natural, to desire the comfort and safety of the river shore, but it is only through navigating those difficult waters that a soul can grow. “Our souls are smaller than they could because it is easier, safer,” David says.

But there is another way. Simone Weil, a wealthy European Jew quit her lucrative job to work in a factory. When the Nazis rose to power she escaped to England and lived on the rations of those in occupied France. Inspired by a conversion to Christianity, She worked endlessly for justice for the working class and then for the Jews during the reign of Hitler. She believe that:

“It is possible for a person to engage in and take seriously, even take on, the suffering of others. One can not only live with suffering, but live as a suffering person, in a way that does not wallow in it or glorifies it but trusts that God will use even suffering to dignify and even elevate the human soul”

As David continued to talk about suffering and our response to it, both our own suffering and that of those around us, I remembered just how important Equality Ride was. That voluntary redemptive suffering is not an idea someone cooked up recently. It isn't even a tactic that Gandhi created. Rather, voluntary redemptive suffering is a very basic way in which we can confront suffering and injustice and rise above it, refusing to be beaten down. Suffering can “compress the human soul into a cramped knot of bitterness” as Weil said, or it can explode it into something powerful and beautiful, as I saw in my two-months on the road and the unexpected path my life has since taken.

I return to a faith in Christ not because I expect to make life easier, or prettier, or more orderly. Far from it, for my life has been more demanding, more taxing, and more uncertain than ever before, but it has also been more fulfilling.

I remember when I was growing up and beginning to realize that there was “something different,” it was my faith in God that supported me. That whatever the reaction of the world may be, I could take shelter in the Lord. I'm not sure what type of person I would have become if I didn't have if the pressures of the world did not forge me into the person I am today; I’m learning to harness the strength I gained in swimming across that whirlpool of a river.

Life is difficult.

Checking In

I have been a lot spinning around in my head over the past few months. There is a lot to talk about but it is overwhelming to even think about how to say it and say it well. Grace, justice, God's will, my life, my future, my walk with Christ: it's all been stewing, enhanced by some great time reading in Scripture.

More recently there was this week's WeWo service, today's sermon on Micah 6:8. Connection's discussion on Lent, discussions with Sam about Passion, and general reflection. Life has been challenging and rewarding and I'm looking forward to getting it all out it writing.

But for now, there's the Super Bowl.

Duh.

The Washington Post reports that the Maryland Circuit court affirmed the Maryland State School Board which affirmed the Montgomery County school board which included information about sexual orientation in the health education curriculum. The judged ruled there was no reason to "second-guess the appropriateness" of the curriculum chosen by the Montgomery community. Which includes giving the factually correct answer "No," if asked if being gay is a mental disorder.

For all the talk of activist judges and special interest groups ramming agendas... it seems is is the anti-gay agenda which is out of step with the people, the public interest, and the process of law.

Falling Into Grace

I attended Wednesday Worship at Marble Collegiate last night, as per usual, and Pastor Lewicki's sermon touched upon some themes that have been on my heart recently. Also as per usual, timing was miraculous. I've got a bunch to say about the sermon (you can subscribe to the podcast) but for now I want to share a verse from "If I Stand" by Rich Mullins, one of the songs we sang:

If I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you

For me, those two lines stand out as a beautiful encapsulation of what it means to walk with God.

Oops.

It's been almost an entire month since my last post, my bad.

What has happened since? Life in New York City continues as it has for the past months: Lots of out-of-town visitors and lots of out-of-town travel. Trips to DC to see the family have brightened my life; being so close to them is more fulfilling than I ever imagined it would be. Four years in California helped me to forge my identity and find my own voice, but I am enjoying my reimmersion into the Murphy clan. I'll stop before the unintended prodigal son allusions get any stronger.

I've been talking with David Sisco, a musician and friend from Marble Collegiate, to score the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference video and I'm really excited to get that process rolling. I'm hoping that once we get out all of the uncleared music and put in his original works, I'll be able to get it into a festival or two. More on that later. In the meantime, you should check out David's latest recording which was recently released on iTunes here.

I don't have much to say. New York is good, work is good, family is good. I've got a bunch bouncing around but at 10 AM on a Sunday morning, they aren't the most cogent. Stay tuned.

At Year's End

A year ago yesterday I posted my first blog entry here. I had only recently decided to join the 2007 Soulforce Equality Ride and a few days later I would set out for training in Austin, TX.

I feel as if I should come up with some fun "2007 In Review" type entry but I worry nothing I write could possibly do it justice. So many things have changed in my life, yet in many ways I feel very much the same as I always have been. 2007 was certainly the most unexpected year of my life and I hope that 2008 brings just as many adventures!

I Am Strong

Joan Garry shares with her readers the story of having her family transformed into a comic and muses about whether her orientation is a kryptonite or a superpower.

This deliberation is not something that is uncommon to many gay and transgender individuals. Is being gay a burden to bear? Is being trans a power that propels one forward?

Over at The Point, jason taylor suggests in a comment:

Gays already have all the rights that are necessary to act in their chosen manner and therefore political aggressiveness is just annoying.

Overlooking the fact that gay and trans individuals--and couples, especially--do not have all the same rights, I appreciate part of his point nonetheless. He is correct in later noting that gay groups have a legal right to exist, that gay couples are legally allowed to pair up, and that the government does not prohibit churches from performing purely religious marriages for gay couples (which are completely unrecognized by the state).

Yes, I have a very basic right to exist, tempered as that may be by threat of expulsion from certain schools, firing from any job, removal from my church, ostracization from my family and community... thankfully none of those are problems in my life. I am surrounded by friends who love and support me and who actively seek to lift up my relationships. My co-workers are sensitive to issues of orientation and identity. I go to a church which not only accepts me, but advocates on my behalf. I know that any one of the pastors would be happy to marry me. And I will always have a home with my parents.

And yet I continue to be an advocate.

I remind my co-workers that it is still permissible in New York state to fire someone based soley on his or her gender identity. I tell military recruiters that I considered serving my country in that way but I am not allowed to. I talk about the importance of marriage equality to my straight friends. I explain the intersection of my faith and my identity to my pastor from home.

But do not feel sorry for me that I cannot get married in my home state. Do not pity me that the Evangelical Presbyterian Church which I grew up finds me "incompatible with the confession of Jesus as Lord." For I have studied the Word of God and I have searched my heart and I have prayed ceaselessly with the Holy Spirit. I have found safe spaces in my life and support in my love. And most importantly I see myself as God sees me: as a perfectly loved child who desires to love and serve the Lord.

When I was on Equality Ride I shared the many things I was told along the way. In a conversation with my good friend Meilee recently, she said to me "There are so many reasons why you could have stopped being a Christian... you 'shouldn't' be a Christian, but you are. I imagine that means something." And I imagine it does, too. The deacon who was my mentor during my church membership class told me something I will never forget: "You don't choose God, God chooses you. And when that happens, God never lets go." Ain't that the truth. A Duke editorial questions "gay pride" but Casey rightly notes, "when there are a million reasons to hide in the shadows and deny who we are, it is right to be proud of honesty and integrity, and yes, that God created us differently and beautifully." I am proud of my God and I am proud of the way God made me and I proud of the mission God has choose for me: to speak for those living in silence and for those living in oppression--not under oppression, but by oppressing others. I might not have realized it at first, but I am that guy.

And so, when I meet with my former pastor to explain what it means to be gay and seek his support, when I ask lawmakers to support equality, when I point out the glaring disparities between gay and straight people in this country, I do not do it for myself. I continue to advocate for the acceptance of gay and trans people because I agree with Bram when he says, "Causing or even allowing any of God's children to feel like something less than His perfectly loved child may be the greatest heresy of the Christian faith." I speak out not for myself but for the members of my church in Maryland, for my pastor, for the elected officials in my state, and even for the administrators at anti-gay Christian schools. I speak out because I understand that they are coming from a place of misinformation and misunderstanding, despite the best of their intentions. I speak out that I may call others to be better, stronger, more Christlike.

And if you are straight, I am not asking for your consolation, or your compassion, your understanding, or your support. I am asking for your action. I am asking for you to rise to the tradition of this great country and--for Christians--to the greatness of your faith. I am not asking for full equality so that I might have it, but so that others might not deny me of it.

So when you realize that I am still a second-class citizen in this country and in many churches, do not feel sorry for me--for I am strong. Are you?

Live Blogging Sam on THE WHEELZ

7:31: "We make dreams" ... it's going to be a great night!
7:32: Sam gets "Bingo Night" in 2.5 seconds AND high-fives the Southern woman next to him
7:34: Sharenda is screaming "BIG MONEY!!!!!" ... does she realize this is Wheel of Fortune and not Whammy!?
7:35: Sam wins the first round. Fight On! And he's jumping up and down. A lot.

7:39: The "Big Money!" phenomenon has spread to the southern woman on the other side of Sam. Dear Sam, If you yell "Big Money" I am calling friends off.
7:40: That was the most excited "L!" I've ever heard. A child at heart! He has used up all the vowels twice now. And won the second round.

7:48: Sam "Lost A Turn" this round. I'm sitting out in protest.

7:50: With only 3 letters on the board, he manages to get "Country Roads Take Me Home"

7:53: "Explain to me again how you solved that puzzle. You're not a life force from another planet are you?"
7:54: "Who did you bring?" "Yoda brought his mom"
7:55: DHC: Dailyz, Hamz, Cleanz. Glorious. + Pistachios + $58,000 + a crying mom from IOWA = a great way to end the show! Oh, and there was more jumping up and down. Duh.

Going Global

Tomorrow is World AIDS Day and I know it is easy for me to think of AIDS Walk, Magic Johnson, or even an aquaintence from USC that I knew who was HIV+. But just as we in America have come to understand that HIV/AIDS affects more than just gay men, I'm also learning to remember that HIV/AIDS affects more then just Americans. I might rarely see their faces, but 22.5 million people in Africa are living with the disease.

Take a look at what The Global Fund is doing to change that:



Hopefully you can be inspi(red) to make a difference.

Talking About The Ts or Activism In Daily Life

Yesterday was Transgender Day of Remembrance and I felt called to be vocal about it with my co-workers. My company's non-discrimination policy does not cover sexual orientation or gender identity but luckily for me, New York state's legislation includes sexual orientation. I composed an email explaining the Day of Remembrance, listing those people remembered this year, and explaining the pending national hate crimes legislation. I also gave information about employment non-discrimination and how gender identity isn't yet covered under NY law--though, hopefully it will be soon! I concluded by telling them ways they could help out: by contact their elected officials regarding hate crimes and GENDA, by contacting my parent company about revising the non-discrimination policy, or by creating our own separate policy.

It was scary.

Having braved Equality Ride and even the Right to Marry campaign, one might think I've got it down. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous as I prepared to press send. It is important and it needs to be said and so I hit send.

Today I Became a New Yorker

Leaving work a little later than usual tonight, I was on the B train heading down to Bryant Park to make my transfer to the 7 to go home. The subway pulled up to Rockefeller Center and there were 50-some girls in Macy's Thanksgiving Parade jackets just waiting to get on. I noticed all the heads in the train turn to look at at the girls. The doors opened, the girls hesitated, and then the streamed through three different doors. Moments later the center aisle of my subway car was filled with teen girls in white winter jackets. The contrast between the black- and gray-clothed New Yorkers lining the sides of the car struck me immediately.

And as the girls filled in and the train began to move, I had more than one silent-conversation with locals around me. We glanced about the train looking to catch the knowing eye of another New Yorker. I noticed others doing it too. We nodded and smiled to each other, all likely thinking the same thing: "The tourists have arrived."

It's going to be an interesting winter!

Trailer: Ex-Gay Survivor Conference

I know this is a little backwards but here is the trailer for the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. It's short, sweet, and to the point. It's on YouTube which is more accessible and it's short so if you have a short internet-attention span, don't worry.

Forward to your friends:)

A small price to pay

On March 8, 2007 I was forced to leave the University of Notre Dame and given official warning that if I ever returned, I would be arrested. While visiting the campus during the Equality Ride, a student asked me for more information about our events in South Bend, Indiana. I gave him a schedule--a dinner at a local church, a film screening at the LGBT Center nearby, discussions at a coffee shop--and my contact information.

Because of that, I am barred from any property owned by Notre Dame for life. And it was a small price to pay.

That student came to the church dinner, he joined us again for the film screening, and again for lunch at the coffee shop. He emailed me the day we left letting me know how grateful he was that we had come to his school. We made plans to meet up back in Los Angeles after the ride. I've gotten a few email updates and phone calls from him and at 3:02 pm today, my phone rang again.

I can hear the joy in his voice. He tells me about life at schools, new friends he's made, and achievements he's secured. Even though the ride ended months ago, I am proud to say that I am still an Equality Rider. I am glad that I can be an affirming Christian voice who truly cares about his life--his whole life--and who will be there to listen.

We only interacted for a short period of time but it is moments like this--unexpected phone calls months later--that make me understand how one person can make all of the difference.

I can never go see him be the drum major (if he gets the part), I can never cheer on USC at our biggest rival's stadium, I couldn't even stop there for a pit-stop on my trip across the country. But I would never take back my decision to hand him that piece of paper. It was a small price to pay.

Video: A Different Kind of Change

I was blessed to attend the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference this past June in Irvine, CA to observe and document it. A few months, 3000 miles, and a new computer later: I'm pleased to unveil the conference's documentary. For more information, please be sure to visit www.soulforce.com and www.beyondexgay.com

not that guy

I just read D's post over at (Not So) Straight from Seminary and somehow it was just what I needed to hear tonight. It has been a fruitful two days at Carnegie Mellon (more on that later, I promise) but somehow I feel a little off as I relax on the couch in my suite. D's post helped me think about that feeling and I left the following comment:

Thank you for sharing. I happened onto Soulforce's Equality Ride because after one more conversation with my parents I realized that they weren't changing because I wasn't asking them to change and in the ensuing fit of "I must simply be myself" I applied. And I had personal connections. And I was in. And all of the sudden I realized I wasn't an activist. That I let other people plan the rallies, and teach the talking points. But there I was in a hotel conference room in Austin, Texas. And before long I was in the middle of anti-gay colleges around the country. And I keep thinking to myself "I am just a regular guy from Maryland who got frustrated at his parents one day and applied on a whim and got accepted and decided to trust in God's plan." And now I live in New York City, and I'm out at work, and the past two days I've spent at Carnegie Mellon University as someone they brought in for Pride Month. And I see myself in the mirror and I don't understand. I am not that guy. I am not an activist. I am just a 22 year old boy from Maryland who wants to find love and be loved and exist and serve God and serve others. But here I am. And that is what I'm doing. And I don't know how because I've never been that guy, but I guess I should start realizing that maybe I am. It was an intense day for me... this was just what I needed to make falling asleep tonight a little easier.

I'm happy to know there's another one out there. And maybe in our own ways we can--sometimes willfully, sometimes begrudgingly--be that guy and that girl together.

Arriving at CMU

I just got checked in to my suite near Carnegie Mellon University and am waiting for one of the hosts to come pick me up for our dinner tonight which is cohosted by the Allies program and the Office of Religious Life. I am excited to bring these two groups of people together and get them thinking about how to move forward together. After that, I'll be doing networking some of the Allies folks before "the big day" tomorrow. I was able to compose my thoughts on the flight down and I know that it will go well.

Who would have ever thought that'd I'd be sitting at a table in the living room of a suite near a nationally recognized college for a speaking engagement? I certainly didn't. Life takes you in the most exciting of places.

Yesterday was spent frantically procuring grad school (read: divinity school and seminary) applications and information packets. I remember when I was younger how I felt like a life someway in "the ministry" was the only one I could imagine. I allowed those dreams to be hijacked by anti-gay ideology in the church and count myself blessed to found my way.

It seems they were right when my Sunday school teachers told me that the Lord never gives up.

Take 5 is all grown up

I was watching the USC game this Saturday with the NYC Trojan Alumni Club when I saw this:



I almost died.

Chris had to ask "Didn't you start that show?" because I was too busy being dumbstruk. I'm so proud. To be fair, I merged two pre-existing (awesome) shows that I was already producing. Thankfully co-creator/co-executive producer Justin is still at SC running it all solo now. Glad to see we're still kicking butt!

Get Passionately Pink with qubo!

qubo, the bilingual children’s television I work for, is participating in Passionately Pink for the Cure, a campaign to raise both funds and awareness for breast cancer research. Breast cancer has touched my life in personal ways, affecting close friends and family friends.

qubo is going Passionately Pink for the Cure on October 31 and you can join us. Go to our team page, donate at least $5, and make sure to wear pink on October 31. We'll send you a pink button and some sweet qubo shwag.

You can talk about breast cancer, the campaign to raise money, and just generally make a statement by creating a sea of pink in your school, office, church, or community group. Take a picture of your pink outfit and send in stories of how you're changing the world by changing your clothes.

I was busy preparing for our season-end board meeting and thus am sadly not in this picture:(

Visit http://www.komendonations.org/site/TR/Events/KomenTR?team_id=64791&pg=team&fr_id=1040 right now to get on board!

2 Days Until Coming Out

In anticipation of National Coming Out Day, GLAAD released this PSA featuring T.R. Knight from Grey's Anatomy. Enjoy!

TR Knight: National Coming Out Day PSA

And check out this other great promo featuring a slew of actors from popular ABC television shows.

ABC Allies & Friends

Isaiah 66:5

Casey Pick sent this verse out to all of the Right to Marry participants along with a California update. It seemed like something I should pass along...

Hear the word of the Lord, you who tremble at his word. "Your brothers who hate you, and exclude you because of my name, have said 'let the Lord be glorified, that we may see your joy!' Yet they will be put to shame." Isaiah 66:5

Silent T

One step at a time

We built my couch! First piece of furniture = installed.

for the BIBLE tells me so

In the oldest Protestant church in North America, they clapped and clapped and clapped. And then they stood, and clapped some more.

Speaking Up

I grew up in the suburbs of Washington, DC and went to school at USC in Los Angeles. I thought I was insulated from anti-gay thinking. All of my friends were immensely supportive when I came out and my social circle has always included a mixing of gay and straight people.

When my roommate Ryan came home one night in 2006 shaken up with a scratched face, I was confused and concerned. While walking down the street with his boyfriend and our straight-identified friend, Chris, a rowdy group of guys heckled at them from a porch. They threw a beer bottle and taunted them "Where you fags going?" Ryan told them to mind their own business and the three of them continued on their way. I'm told that the next thing Ryan knew he was pushed to the ground. Chris was sucker-punched in the face before Ryan's boyfriend was able to insert himself as a human shield in the shuffle. They managed to walk away and some level-headed party-goers called the guys back in to the party.

I realized that even in Los Angeles, I'm still not safe.

Six months later as I walked through downtown Kansas City with a few friends I noticed myself flinching away from boyfriend's hand as we approached other people. It took a very conscious effort on my part to keep hold of my boyfriend's hand. As we passed straight couples I knew they weren't thinking about their interactions. They didn't have to be brave to walk down the street hand-in-hand.

I wait for the day when society will understand and appreciate all of its members, but in the meantime, I am thankful for legislation that seeks to root out the community terror which bias-based crimes create.

Share your story for why Hate Crimes legislation is important to you at Stop the Hate.

Updates from Jena

Donna Payne is the associate director for diversity at HRC.

-----Original Message-----
From: Donna Payne Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 10:31 AM
Subject: Re: Update in Jena

Jeffrey Johnson, activist from BET said District Atty Walters spoke to them yesterday to justify why they couldn't let Mychal out. He said it was a potential harm that might occur. Jeffrey Johnson said that Walters (DA) pulled the white youth out for press, talking about he was the victim and not to forget the victim. That was a emotional scare tactic used for press, Jeffrey Johnson stated. He asked if Walters was a psychic - since he knew what was going to happen if he was released! Ricky Smiley (black Christian comedian) spoke and asked where were the big bishops of black churches? The ones that were with the Faith Based Intiative, and fighting for the gay marriage amendment. Something that has nothing to do with us, he said.

There was loud clapping.

There is a break now with Christian music being played. Much Christian music is being played!
--------------------------
-----Original Message-----
From: Donna Payne Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 10:55 AM
Subject: Re: Update in Jena

Jesse Jackson has taken the stand. He told us that we are getting ready to march. He wants us to be calm. In the last MLK march in Memphis, before he was killed -rocks were thrown at marchers to provoke them. He wants us to not be distracted. He said we are marching against Federal Hate Crimes. It is not about Jena, but this happens across the country. He has asked that the white and black parents come together. The white parents wanted to talk to him, but they were encouraged not to do this. He says we will take reconciliation over confrontation. Everyone repeats this. Jesse, said we need healing, but we must take glass out of the wound. He puts stories from the Bible to tie it in. He said God will see us through. We will rise. It gets dark sometimes, but who do we fear? We will march until Jena 6 is free. Rise up, fight up, stand up. WEEPEING MAY ENDURE FOR Now, but joy comes in the morning. Leave Jena and go back and fight for all crimes.

I am inspired! I am ready to march! Everyone is ready. They chant: Keep Hope Alive! Stop the violence in FL, NY, MS. Let justice flow like a mighty stream.

Everyone screams! It is time to go!
--------------------------

I don't know what else I could possibly add.

A Disappointing Day in Maryland

I read the news coverage four times. I had thought for certain that the Court of Appeals, the highest court in my home state of Maryland, would agree with a Baltimore judge's decision that barrring citizens from the institution of civil marriage based on gender is wrong. The decision has been pending for much longer than usual and I allowed myself to think they were working out the kinks of what would surely be a high-profile decision.

I was let down by the decision they handed down.

In a split 4-3 decision, the court ruled that gay and lesbian couples are not entitled to marriage. They did, however, point out that the General Assembly could grant it to them anyway. In his dissent, Justice Raker has this to say:

“It cannot be argued that same-sex couples are not denied significant benefits accorded to heterosexual couples. It is clear that there are significant differences in the benefits provided to married couples and same-sex couples in the areas of taxation, business regulation, secured commercial transactions, spousal privilege and other procedural matters, education, estates and trusts, family law, decision-making regarding spousal health care, insurance, labor and employment, child care and child rearing, pensions, and the responsibilities attendant to spousal funeral arrangements.”

I now place my trust in the Maryland lawmakers, that they will recognize this inequality and swiftly rectify it. And I trust the people of Maryland will not stand for anything less. It is moments like this that make contacting your representatives or standing up for equal rights even more important.

Human Requirements

The Point may or may not be the blog I read the most and I think that reflects on my own space as well. Since Gina Dalfonza took this Robert Heinlein quote from The Corner in the first place, I don't feel bad about taking it from her.

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher
a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a
wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act
alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer,
cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for
insects.

I think I agree.

Slaves to men

A recent trip to the Apple Repair Center made me realize exactly how enslaved I am. It will cost $800 - $1200 to repair my MacBook Pro. That's close to two weeks worth of pay. 10 days of my life. Eighty hours of my time. Assuming I didn't have other expenses such as a monthly rent, daily food, cell phone charges.

I'm already not getting cable and internet in my apartment, do I take the ultimate plunge and go without a computer? But I have editing to do which requires the computer ... do I need to do editing?

Have such a large bill dropped in my lap suddenly makes the connection between my time, my work, and money so much more apparent. I realized that I don't have much freedom at all.

And how can I change that? Move to the country? Grow my own food? Make my own clothes? How can I still be a part of society while attempting to maintain autonomy? Is it possible? I want it to be.

What is a fact?

The Associated Press reports that the kilogram is shrinking. Granted, it's only 50 micrograms smaller than averages of others around the world but it presents an interesting question: what are facts? And is the kilogram shrinking or are all the others one growing larger? If we can't even get a definite handle on a small cylindrical mass how can we think that we actually understand anything?

Public Privacy

It's a typical Thursday morning. I put my sunglasses on as I leave the house, pop in my earbuds and turn on my iPod, and walk a few blocks to the subway. I go down the stairs and take my place by the tracks. I try to smile at the person standing next to me. Then I fish out my book from my bag. Right now I'm reading another C.S. Lewis book, occasionally I pull out the latest version of The Advocate. The train comes, I manage to find a spot; sometimes standing, sometimes sitting. I smile at my new subway mates and if the train lurches or takes a fast corner, I will occassionally make a comment or two to the people standing near me. I try to be friendly.

Today was different. As I stood on the subway, music playing so loudly I couldn't hear any of the sounds around me, I noticed a passenger who looked surprisingly like my fellow Equality Rider Cray. I wondered to myself what Cray was up to. Then I wondered what this guy was up to. Was he anything like Cray? Where did he work? To my left stood a young man in a baseball cap, also wearing earphones. To my right were two guys with dress shirts, one read a newspaper, other listened to music. The woman in front of me sipped Starbucks while watching something on a portable media player. They all have lives and stories and even though I'm so close to them, I know nothing about them. And we've all setup our private sanctuaries in the middle of the bustling New York City subway.

A Milestone in Iowa

“Couples, such as Plaintiffs, who are otherwise qualified to marry one another may not be denied licenses to marry or certificates of marriage or in any other way prevented from entering into a civil marriage…by reason of the fact that both persons compromising such a couple are of the same sex.”
-- Judge Robert B. Hanson

An Iowa district court handed down a decision acknowledging that the right to marry is a right that extends to all individuals, regardless of sexual orientation. They also acknowledged taht Iowa's current law limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples is unconstitutional. Kudos to the justices who deliberated on this case and I hope that Iowa Supreme Court will also uphold this basic human right.

The Polk County recorder has already begun issuing marriage licenses to couples and of course the plaintiffs were amongst the first to fill out an application.

CNN, Windy City Times, and Post-Bulletin report.

Insights from a great mind

"Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. [...] He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles."
-- Screwtape
from C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters

An unexpected start to work

As I sat at my desk this morning, reading over the stacks of paper required of new employees and signing off on countless agreements, guidelines, handbooks, and policies, I was struck with something I wasn't expecting to find at 11:00am, thirty-two stories above New York City: marriage equality really matters.

After I read through the distinctions between part-time and full-time employees and the amount of paid vacation alloted per year, I got to the section on bereavement leave:

The policy covers the death of the employee's spouse, child(ren), parents, parents-in-law, brothers, sisters, and grandparents.

If I were to have a husband someday soon (and I hope to have one!), under existing laws he wouldn't legally be considered my husband. Would I have to work those days or worry about losing my job?

But full equality goes beyond creating and enforcing laws, what really matters is creating a society that honors and respects all its citizens. When I got to the sections describing how hiring and promotion decisions are based solely on merit and not prejudicial characteristics, I felt a pit in my stomach as I read over the non-discrimination policy:

race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age, disability, or any other
characterstic protected by law.

I gave a sigh of relief to know that in New York state, sexual orientation is protected in employment non-discrimination (and gender identity too!), but not only did I feel as if the company was only including me because they were compelled by law to do so, I also realize realize that my work has offices and stations around the country in places that don't have protective legislation. What about those people?


I'm sure that today will be only one of many days when I will come face-to-face with the very real differences between my rights and responsiblities and those of my straight American counterparts. I look forward to the day when such occurences are memories of the distant past, but they won't become a part of the past unless we work in the present to change things.

As a queer person, I can only do so much. Which is why I'm excited by Soulforce's latest campaign, Seven Straight Nights For Equal Rights, which empowers and emboldens straight Americans to take up the banner of LGBT equality, knowing that freedom and equality must mean freedom and equality for all. So far, activities are being planned in 11 states and you can volunteer to plan one in your state!

It will only be one night and is as easy as standing vigil outside a state capital building or attending a public gathering. It's a way that you can stand up and say, my gay and transgender friends matter to me and I want them to be honored and respected. You can use the Get Involved form to sign up or you can email me and I'll make sure someone contacts you (or you can do both!). And of coures, as Seven Straight Nights for Equal Rights is a Soulforce and Atticus Circle campaign, any contributions to this grassroots non-profit organizing effort go a long way (You can make a general donation or sponsor a state).

But seriously, why donate when you can stand up yourself ... it's so easy.

I'm excited for you to stand with me!

New York City

Even though qubo was gracious enough to give me five-weeks off after stopping work in LA and resuming work in New York City, I managed to consume all but a few days of that with the Right to Marry Campaign, my Epic Journey Into Adulthood across the country with Meilee, my cousin's wedding, and of course catching up with all of the Potomac crew.

I was able to get a studio in a beautiful building in Long Island City, but unfortunately the lease doesn't begin in until September 7. An old friend from USC has an extra room in her apartment in Brooklyn which I was planning on moving into for interim until some friends in the new building found out last minute they'd be able to let me crash there.

As I went back to the Brooklyn apartment near Prospect Park, some 45 minutes from my Manhattan, to fetch my belongings I couldn't help but feel a sense of privilege. I was lucky enough to have friends in nice neighborhoods where I could stay. I didn't have to shop in stores where the cashiers are in the back to help prevent robbery. I didn't have to live where cabs won't drive. I'm sure a lot of people in this neighborhood are there because they want to be there. It's a heavily Jamican area and I felt a strong sense of community. In fact, I got more "hello"s and "how are you doing"s from strangers in the short times I was there than the rest of my time in Manhattan. Still, graffiti and stalled cars line the alley while buildings sit in disarray. It's not the way I would want to live ... and I got out. It seemed like I was running away.

As I travel about the city via subway, I'm reminded of what Amy B-M once said. That to truly experience a city you can't just drive around in it, you have to walk, take buses, and ride the subway. This is the first time I've lived in a place where I have been able to do that. I already understand what she means. I wonder what I would've learned if I stayed in Brookyln for those three weeks. But at the same time, would I just be paying understanding lip-service? With a degree from USC under my belt, a home in Potomac only a few hour away, and friends with posh apartments who could come fetch me, would I ever really understand?

I don't know, but I'd like to find out. I'd like to do understand not so I can pat myself on the back for a job well done or so I'll have a good story to tell around the dining room table. But so I can learn something I didn't know before. I've already learned that it's not that hard to ask a stranger how they are and really mean it, I wonder what else is waiting for me to learn out there.


More on qubo, the apartment, adventures with new friends, and of course the Epic Journey later. For now, I'm going to fall asleep listening to Rufus Wainwright, looking at the Manhattan skyline from across the river, and digesting my tofu stir fry. It was a good day.

Epic Journey Into Adulthood: Completed

Meilee and I made it across the country successfully with minimal disasters. Our attempts at video blogging from the road failed miserably but we did manage to grab lots of fun footage along the way which hopefully one day will manifest itself into an Epic Video of our Epic Journey. Time will tell I suppose.

In the meantime, I'm running errands, visiting with friends, dropping in on relatives, and beginning to let the panic of not having a place in NYC to live set in. Ahhh moving...

This Is About Love

I could try to write some eloquent introduction for this video but I could not possibly do it justice. Thank-you Milfred for your contribution to our country, your state, and this important conversation.

Right to Marry comes to a close

The New York Right to Marry campaign is coming to a close. The Northern Route said goodbye to Utica, New York this morning and arrived in New York City not too long ago. Tomorrow brings a day of tying up lose ends, following up with the folks we met along the way, debriefing our experiences, and planning for the future. I'm excited to meet up with the 24 other young adults if only for a day.

As my van traveled through the North Country, we documented our progress and the stories of some of those we met along the way. Some of the Right to Marry participants already shared their thoughts on why marriage is important (here and here) and soon we'll have the stories of New York citizens and couples to share with you too.

For now, here's a look at our time up north:

Starting to walk

Letters from the "Walk A Mile In My Shoes" campaign to NY Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno:

Dear Senator Bruno,
I enjoy getting your newsletter and want to thank you for all you do to support New Yorkers, especially those in the Capital Region.

It has come to my attention, via the young adults of SoulforceQ, that you are unwilling to bring the marriage equality bill to the floor. May I ask why?

Expect a pair of my shoes for you to walk a mile in.

Respectfully,
Kathleen Michaels
Troy, NY

Be sure to send your own pair of shoes to Senator Joseph Bruno to remind him that the marriage equality bill deserves to be heard on the senate floor.

Video: Right to Marry kicks off in New York

By now we are a few days into the New York Right to Marry campaign. With grassroots activism comes limited resources and internet isn't a top priority. Luckily we've been blessed with houses and churches who have internet to share and here in Plattsburg, we found a great coffee shop--Koffee Kat--to sit in and work while talking with locals and of course, drinking some coffee!

I sat down with a few RtM participants before we departed Albany to talk about why marriage matters. Here's what they have to say:

Equality Ride flashback in Albany, NY

After an exciting, albeit wet, day at the Saratoga County Fair, the western van joined up with Albany’s MCC church for an evening forum featuring a documentary screening, discussion of our work ahead, and sharing of stories. I for one was very encouraged to meet the locals of Albany and hear their stories. As our evening was winding down, four young adults made their way into Emmanuel Baptist Church. The conversation quickly moved from marriage equality to Biblical morality as we cleared out of the church.

Read more over at the Soulforce blog.

Walk a mile in my shoes

Senate Majority Leader Bruno refused requests to meet with our van though we have been trying to schedule a meeting for a long time now. Instead we were able to meet with a staff member who graciously listened, nodded, and suggested we keep the conversation going across the state. We will certainly be doing that in the next few weeks. At the same time, I am dismayed. As a future New Yorker, I look to my leaders to do what is right, even when that is unpopular. I appreciate our representative democracy which was designed to protect the rights of the minority from the whims of the majority.

My civil rights are not subject to debate and popular vote.

I look forward to a time when the leaders of our country will protect all of this nation's citizens. I am hopeful that Senator Bruno will be one of those leaders or at least allow the marriage equality bill to be heard on the senate floor.

In the meantime, I ask Senator Bruno to walk a mile in my shoes and to imagine what life would be like were he unable to wed. In doing so, I am confident that he, other senators, and all Americans will understand the importance of extending marriage rights to all individuals.

As my friends, acquaintances, or Internet readers, I urge you to ask Senator Bruno the same thing. Please find a pair of worn-out shoes you may have, write on a postcard why marriage equality is important to you—that you want to marry your girlfriend, that your parents aren't protected under the law, that your gay brother needs to live in a world where he can dare to dream of falling in love and marrying—and send that along with your shoes to Senator Bruno:

Senator Joseph L. Bruno
Legislative Office Building, Rm: 909
Albany, NY 12247

Please, walk a mile in my shoes.

If you send a pair of shoes, take a picture of your shoes and forward them to me so that we can keep track!

Video: Survivors Share

The Ex-Gay Survivors Conference is officially over but the effects it created continue to reverberate. The Survivor's Initiative has already visited NARTH headquarters and the New Life Church to present their stories of ex-gay therapies. Peterson and Christine continue to blog new insights in the wake of the conference and other ex-gay survivors such as Shawn and Dan Gonzalez join in with their own personal stories.

I'm also pleased to say that while I was in Irvine for the conference I was able to sit down and speak with some truly amazing individuals and capture their stories. I'm putting together a short video which will explore the conference as a whole, but in the meantime I hope to bring you a few standalone shorts: the often unheard stories of the ex-gay movement.

Claire Willett and Daniel Stoltenberg speak out and share their experiences of navigating faith, identity, anti-gay messaging, and ultimately reconciliation.

A Time For Healing

I had the amazing opportunity to attend the Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference in Irvine, CA this past weekend, hosted by Soulforce and Beyond Ex-Gay. I went to document the event (a role I seem to have fallen into during Equality Ride) but I could not help but be affected myself.

What I saw were the unseen survivors, what I heard were the untold stories. Many things in life are up for debate, the lives and experiences of these individuals are not.

Peterson Toscano opened the weekend with a pre-registration performance of his one-man show "Doing Time In the Homo No-Mo Halfway House" to a packed house in the Crystal Cove Auditorium at UC-Irvine. Judging from the audience's reaction, I knew it would be quite the weekend. Saturday morning opened with a Chalk Talk ... a silent way for a large group of people to be in conversation together. They write their thoughts, feelings, and experiences on a large piece of paper, taking time to read each other's, comment, and make connections. The energy in the air was palpable. TV crews were kept at bay and cameras were turned off. This weekend is not about PR, it's about real people healing real wounds.

Therapists, Christian leaders, and every day survivors led workshops ranging from "Sharing Your Story" to "Building Healthy Relationships" to "Being a Powerful Ally." I was able to see change happening in the lives of those in attendance. God is moving among us.

The Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference brought people together from around the world to celebrate God and to celebrate God's creation. To recognize the pain wrought unnecessarily in the name of the Lord. To move forward together, healing and helping others to heal. To put forth a message that may not be popular but is of dire importance: God loves and affirms God's gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender children. Misguided attempts to force or shame individuals into so-called reparative therapy are ultimately ineffective and unfortunately have the potential to inflict emotional, spiritual, and physical harm.

God bless the survivors. And my prayers go out to those who are still struggling to accept themselves, who are suffering from depression, who have thoughts of suicide, and to the families of those that have lost loved ones because they were thought to be broken.

I was blessed with the opportunity to hear many of the survivor's share their stories, I will be posting some of those later as I can get them all together. I wish there was a better way to encapsulate the day for those who couldn't attend.

Community. Sharing. Learning. Healing. Faith. Love. Uplifting. Praying. Laughing. Power. Crying. Memories. Wounds. Loving. Strength. Beauty. Praising. Relationships. God.

A Call For Change

Former ex-gay ministry leaders Michael Busse, Darlene Bogle, and Jeremy Marks issued a public apology for their part in harmful "therapy" programs. Here is coverage of their remarks.